I was having a really rough month and knew a little sun, surf, salt, and sand was exactly what I needed. I booked a last-minute solo beach getaway to Huatulco, Oaxaca, Mexico.
The overnight bus rolled into Huatulco around 7 am and thankfully my Airbnb host let me check in super early. I walked downtown to grab breakfast and wander around then head back to the condo pool to lounge.
SPF, book, and journal in hand, I was prepared for a day of doing absolutely nothing to decompress.
The pool was peaceful. I was deep into my book until all of a sudden I heard someone come down to the pool. I might as well have been on the call as well – he was SO loud.
There goes my peaceful pool time. 🙄
A few minutes after the call ended, I heard a “Sorry for interrupting your pool time”. As I turned over, I was taken aback to find a tan, tall, gorgeous man sitting across the pool from me.
We started chatting and it turns out he’s from British Columbia but owns a condo in Huatulco and comes down a few times a year. A little bit of a local, he told me he’d share the best places. How convenient, he slyly got my WhatsApp # to message me locations for the best restaurants and beaches.
As we were getting all the important things out of the way (you know age, location, job, etc.), he told me he worked in crypto crime. His main clients being “all the big letters” aka the FBI, CIA, NSA, etc., so he couldn’t talk much about his work but it allowed him to travel internationally often.
Tick Tick. He was quickly checking off boxes in my head. It oddly felt like fate.
An hour later, an older man came down and joined in the conversation. He then introduced himself and said he was Ryan’s dad. I laughed and turned to Ryan, nice to meet you – I guess we didn’t even exchange names.
Later that evening, he messaged me his full name and told me not to look him up because a porn star used his name. He also shared a bunch of locations (restaurants and secret beaches). Well, obviously the first thing I did was immediately look him up. I quickly found the porn star he was referring to but was unable to find him anywhere! (Which I later asked him about because my stalker status is high. It’s quite unusual in 2022 to not find someone on ANY social media.) He said it was due to the nature of his profession. Makes sense…
The next morning he was out and about early with his dad and uncle. He invited me to grab breakfast and….go to a nude beach! I thought, why the F not? I packed my bikini top, just in case I wasn’t feeling so brave and he picked me up.
We had a fun little road trip driving up the coast. Stopping in little beach towns, grabbing smoothies, and wandering into little shops as we talked non-stop about our past, future, and goals. Finally arriving at Zipolite Nude Beach, we grabbed some beach chairs to relax.
Firstly, I was in shock at how comfortable I felt with him to be completely vulnerable and go nude for my first time at a beach. It was an intense and liberating feeling. Secondly I was totally mind blown that this man is opening up to me about his deepest darkest secrets and childhood traumas. It’s hard enough to find someone to engage in conversation with, let alone like THIS!
And apparently, it wasn’t just me completely mind blown. He looked at me and said, “You make me really nervous. I’ve never told anyone these things”. Honestly, I think it’s one of my gifts – my presence provides a safe space for open communication.
I want to pause the story to say this…
Earlier, in one of our deep conversations, I shared my insecurities about dating and being intimate now that I’m sober. It’s something I never thought was possible sober.
I pretty much learned to date with a drink to loosen up before and then a few on the date. Messy drunk sex. Sex I couldn’t always remember or deeply regretted once sober. I think it’d be safe to say, I’d never been on a first date sober. And it’s been a very long time since I was intimate sober. I think I can count it on both of my hands in my 20 years of dating.
I felt insanely connected to Ryan in a way I never have before. More than just the physical attraction (which was definitely there), the mental and emotional connection was off the charts. It felt like we were in sync. Even though we were talking non-stop, there was also a sense that no words needed to be said.
So ✨THIS✨ was a very big deal to me.
We took a romantic beach stroll and then he took me to a secret lighthouse to watch the sunset. We got lost in the dark on a side trail (maybe we weren’t supposed to sneak through the broken fence 👀). As we made our way back to the condo, we decided to not let the day end here. Freshening up for dinner and a night out, he came by my place to get me. We ended up cuddling on my couch for 2 hours getting lost in conversation and each other.
After his stomach grumbled a few times, we decided we actually needed to grab some food. Making our way downtown, we met up with a group of his friends for a bite. We sat outside, eating, and talking. (I was secretly waiting to see a glimpse of Matthew McConaughey as he was at the restaurant across the street). His local friends wanted to move to a bar after we finished eating. Ryan pulled me aside to make sure I was ok. I was only about 4 months sober at this time, and I assured him I was fine. He grabbed me one last time before we walked into the bar to ask if I was feeling ok. I thought it was strange but brushed him off.
Ordering sparkling water as everyone placed their beer orders, I continued talking to one of his friends. Suddenly Ryan stood up and said, “I’m not feeling so well, let’s get out of here.”.
Walking down the street to his car, he was clutching his stomach. We sat in his car for 30 minutes as I rubbed his back and nervously offered to drive us home. (I hate driving and doing it in the dark in an unfamiliar town in Mexico sounded less than ideal to me!) Thankfully, he did not take me up on the offer. Wearily he drove us home, moaning and groaning the entire time.
Arriving back at the condo, he invited me up to see his condo. I stopped, a bit confused. If you’re not feeling well, don’t you just want to run to the toilet or curl up? He insisted, so I followed him up the stairs to the second floor (I was staying on the third floor).
Quickly showing me around his beautiful 1 bedroom condo and showing me his plants on the patio before pulling me onto the couch. He laid in my lap as I rubbed his back and we laid in silence.
Time seemed to stand still when we were together. But I think an hour or so passed before I started sliding down the couch to lay down myself. Pulling me up and to the bedroom, we crashed in his bed and found another wave of energy.
This is the part where the scene cuts. You know what happens ($eggz t!me) but I will not be going into any detail on that here. I will say this. It was the most intense intimate experience I’ve ever had. It reignited something inside me, it gave me confidence in my sobriety.
Ryan woke up still feeling like death, so I went to freshen up and ran out to grab breakfast. I grabbed him some electrolytes and a smoothie for his stomach but by the time I returned his dad and uncle were hanging out in his condo. After a while of small talk and discussing what was on the agenda for the day, they both made up an excuse to leave. I think they could tell or maybe he told them, I have no idea but I felt my insecurities creeping in. That day after feeling. Except for this time I wasn’t filled with shame or confusion, I was giddy. But I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.
Was the pillow talk invitation to Miami for his work trip just that -pillow talk? Did he actually want to spend the summer together in the PNW? Were we going to both try to make this work? I craved these answers.
Unfortunately, Ryan seemed to be in worse shape than the night before and I could tell the conversation wasn’t going to be constructive at that point. I told him I’d be laying at the pool if he felt like relaxing or needed anything.
And then I never saw him again.
I’m dead ass serious.
I text him later that afternoon to check up on him. After anxiously waiting for hours seeing from his read receipts that my message had been received, he called. It was around 6 pm and he said he was at the airport heading to Vancouver for a speaking event.
WHAT?!!?
I was crushed. How could he just leave without saying goodbye to me?
I started crying into the phone and then the conversation turned explosive. (This is when I learned that alcohol was not the cause of me acting like a psycho, it’s just me! 😈 Although this behavior certainly warranted it.)
He said he wasn’t sure what to do. He wants me in his life but he needs to get into therapy and figure out some things. I beg him to figure it out together, that’s what a relationship is.
💣 This is when the bomb drops! This is where my jaw drops and I lose all sense of reality. I was left speechless (which as a Gemini who is big on communications is VERY hard to do).
He has a partner. Actually, he’s been married for 15 years. The house in BC, the condo in Huatulco, the land he talked about building on, all of it is THEIRS. He tries to justify it by telling me that he found some incriminating things on her phone before he left and was working out how to confront the situation.
Probably not by finding another girl to love bomb in a different country. That would be my first suggestion.
I’m sick to my stomach. To this day, I’m sick to my stomach.
I often wonder if he was actually sick or not, if it was all just a way to get me into bed? Was any of it real? Or was it all just pretty little lies?
How could he put me in this position? How could he do this to me?
I faced some of my deepest insecurities and darkest fears. I went out and bought a few bottles of wine and sat there, staring at them. Tempted. THIS is how I cope. This is all I know.
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let him take anything else from me, certainly not my sobriety.
Three days later, I got home to Oaxaca , and IMMEDIATELY got into therapy.
