Did I learn my lesson after an awful setup (read here)? That would be a big no. Only this time, I thought I had a better shot since it was one of my close friends setting me up, not some random lady at the gym.
While my friend Lee* and I were chatting about her summer wedding, she was super excited to set me up with one of her fiance’s friends. They’d both been through many of my 2019 dates (like this one and this one and can’t forget about the family date).
Timothee*, one of her fiance’s fraternity brothers, had been living in Seattle for a few years now. Lee said she chatted me up to him and wanted us to meet up before the wedding.
Honestly, I can’t recall if I asked if she showed him my picture. I guess I assumed that she did because that was one of the first things I asked. Unlike me, she doesn’t take pictures (like ever) so she didn’t have any of him. His social media was lacking a recent one but she screenshot me an old one. I thought “well, he’s not my type but maybe that’s a good thing”.
As 2020 evolved into what we all know, the 4 of us were never able to get together. By the time her summer wedding rolled around, it was only safe for those within the state to attend. It ended up being the 2 of them, myself, and Timothee.
Timothee messaged me a month before the wedding so “we” could brainstorm to make their wedding a bit more special. By we, I mean me. Being a planner and super organized I ordered custom wedding tumblers, sparkling apple cider, and homemade lavender satchels for exit throw. Timothee said he was happy to chip in for everything, so I checked in with him on costs of everything and even sent him screenshots as I was ordering.
We small talked a bit via text before the wedding. He didn’t seem like a big texter and I don’t particularly like small talk, but I wasn’t too concerned as I knew we’d be meeting soon.
The wedding was on a Saturday but Lee and her fiance arrived on Tuesday, I arrived on Wednesday evening, and Timothee arrived on Friday late afternoon. He met up with us for dinner that night and to be quite honest, he wasn’t overly friendly.
I definitely wasn’t overwhelmed by him. Actually, all I kept thinking was… he’s controlling the conversation and it’s kinda painful because he’s a bit boring. He’s not wildly attractive but not not attractive.
The next day was full of wedding to-do’s, hair, and makeup and the guys went hiking and kayaking. Typical guys.
After the wedding, we filled our tumblers (me with Rosé and the guys with some local IPA) filled up the cooler, and piled in the van to catch the sunset for their wedding photos. Timothee and I weren’t in all the wedding photos and it started raining, so we sat in the van. As we were chatting, I noticed he started being a bit more flirty and touchy.
By dinner time he was looking a bit more attractive, thanks to my Rosé and even started holding my hand and engaging more in conversation. As we went across the street to their wedding suite, Lee pulled me aside and just gave me the eyes. Tipsy on Rosé, social interaction after 5 months of strict quarantine, and wedding vibes in the air…I shrugged. 🤷♀️
We hung out in their suite for a while before Timothee offered to walk me back to my room across the street and also right next door to his. I had my stuff in his room from earlier- or at least that was the excuse he used.
Right before he kissed me, he said “we shouldn’t be doing this because of our friends”.
Pause. I was screaming in my head. You’re seriously thinking about our friends right now?
I don’t kiss and tell -at least to my very public blog here. 🤫 All I’m going to say is we were up quite late and everyone was very pleased.
Fast forward to the next morning. I woke up bright and early in his bed because the sun was extremely bright. I gently woke him up and told him I was going to my room, which was much darker. He begged me to stay but I really needed more sleep and knew I needed my sleeping eye mask.
Much later in the morning, we had a group whale-watching tour planned. I text Lee to come by early because I needed help with my hair -which I really did. But I also wanted to spill the tea. She was ecstatic.
To be honest, I was still feeling unsure. I wasn’t 100% sure about my feelings. Now we’d added this extra layer to the mix. It didn’t have to be an awkward day. It could’ve been a really fun and chill day.
But the second we walked out of my place and met the guys, he could barely look at me. As we boarded the boat and went to the upper deck, I sat down behind Lee and her husband. He sat down next to me and instantly put his hand on my leg squeezing it tightly.
I was so hungover and so confused. I really had no idea what he was doing.
Did he not want them to see?
Did he think they didn’t know?
But didn’t Lee already talk to him about setting us up?
I wanted to talk to him, at the very least to end the awkwardness for us all. However, I didn’t think a whale-watching boat was the right place. I hoped we could chat while we grabbed ciders and waited for his ferry back to Anacortes. After we disembarked, we started heading for the ferry. Timothee was looking up ferry times as we were driving and realized he could catch the earlier one.
As we pulled up to the ferry, they were doing walk-ons. He grabbed his bag, gave all 3 of us hugs, a quick goodbye, and took off running to the ferry.
The 3 of us went to Boathouse Cider Works and Lee instantly spilled the tea to her husband. We sat there analyzing what had happened the previous night and that morning. They were both very excited. Lee’s husband offered to do whatever was needed to help out. Lee was all ready to grill him when they returned home and even to bitch him out if it came to that.
Later in the evening, Timothee text me apologizing for the abrupt departure. He said he had a great time getting to know me and asked for my info to send money that he owed from the gifts and meals over the trip. We small talked for a bit but he kind of skirted around my bluntness about it being very awkward that day. The conversation fell off.
After I returned home later that week, I realized I was more annoyed with how he handled the whole situation than really caring about him or his likeness of me at all. The frustration grew over the next few weeks.
Sadly, the amount of times you never hear from a guy the next day is more common than I’m sure any of us would like to admit. Need examples of ghosting? Check out any of my dating series. But I wrongly assumed there would be more of a level of basic dating etiquette due to our mutual friends. Oh how wrong I was.
Can we also talk about setup etiquette...what are the rules here? Because my friends, who were so invested in every little detail, suddenly disappeared when things weren't going well. In hindsight, there are many things I wish I'd said to them but it was all awkward. He was definitely not worth it.
Anyways, weeks passed and I hadn’t received his payment which he said he was doing the second he got home. Feeling a bit sassy, I was not willing to let him get away with being a d-bag AND not paying me back for an idea HE had. I forwarded him the receipts for everything and then sat back and waited.
I received the money later that week. And then he felt it necessary to text me to ensure I’d received it and continue small talk. No, thank you.
As the past year has unfolded, Lee has kept me updated on his douchiness. It also appears they’ve learned a bit more about what kind of person he is. Honestly, I wish that level of awareness happened BEFORE the setup but sometimes it takes certain circumstances for you to see true colors.
So, as with every failed relationship, ghosting, or d-bag interaction; I have learned a few things:
- Serious vetting is required for setups going forward
- I only trust a select few of my best friends to set me up
- You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat others
- It doesn’t matter how well you think you know your friends, you don’t know how they are in the dating world
*all names have been changed
