[ u n t i t l e d: looking back to move forward ]

 

As my first year in Shanghai is coming to an end, a waterfall of thoughts and emotions have taken over my life.

 

On my end, the decision to stay was never really a question. I created a life in Shanghai that I absolutely love and couldn’t imagine leaving. 

 

However, I quickly realized that my decision was not the only one that counts here in China. With this thought, sheer panic and anxiety consumed me. Realizing that the ultimate fate of the rest of my life (dramatic, I know) simply lies in the hands of the Chinese government and issuing visa officer is terrifying.

 

After being thoroughly questioned for over 30 minutes and handing over my passport, I left the exit-entry office with a ginormous pit in my stomach. 

 

Within the 45-minute drive home, I had come up with the worst possible conclusion. My visa would be denied and I would have to leave China in less than a week. I’d have to pack all my things and return to a place that I no longer felt I belonged. 

 

I knew this wasn’t an option for me so I did what any other completely insane expat would do. I spent the entire weekend alone in my house. Sorting through every single thought and feeling that had gotten me to this very moment.

 

While this sounds pretty lethal, it gave me the time to reflect on this past year.

 

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It’s easy to get caught up in this fast-paced city. It’s easy to lose yourself here, to forget who you were and why you came here. It’s not a bad thing but it’s not always the most healthy thing, either.

 

Reflection is an essential part of growth. Although I’m learning not to live in the past, I needed this time to remember how far I’ve come. To remember how much I’ve changed and the woman I’ve grown into. 

 

I needed to look back, to help me move forward.

 

I’ve had some of the most life-changing incredible experiences of my life. At times, I can’t even put these experiences into words for the words just don’t seem to equate what I feel.

 

I’ve been to places that I never could’ve imagined. Places that I’ve only dreamed of, places that have been on my bucket list forever, and places I’d never even heard of.

 

I found not one, but multiple, communities that opened their arms wide open to me. Communities with people that showed me a side of this city that I could not have discovered on my own because some memories simply can’t be made alone. I connected with genuine, warm, like-minded individuals.

 

I connected with people I never thought I would. People who opened my eyes to a different world, taught me things I didn’t know I needed to learn, and changed my way of thinking. They simply changed me.

 

I learned so much in all these experiences and through all these people, yet I know there is much more to learn.

 

I know there is much more out there.

 

I know that I never want to stop this adventure that I’m on.

 

I’ll always want more. 

 

So, as of right now, I don’t know what’s next for me. And to be honest, that scares the shit out of me.

 

While it’s easy for me to revert to overthinking and focusing on the negatives and what I could lose, I’m feeling growth and progress in the fact that I’ve begun to also think of everything I’ve gained and all the positives.

 

I realize how much I love this life I’ve created in Shanghai but know that I am more than capable of creating the life I want anywhere in the world.

 

I know that people aren’t replaceable. I’ll always meet new friends. I’ll have to let some old ones go. The true ones are there no matter the number of flights it takes to reach each other or the distance and time zone we’re in. 

 

Saying goodbye never gets easier but there is always a new chapter waiting just around the corner.

 

So, instead of the fear of the unknown, I’ll trust that everything happens for a reason. I’ll wait and see what is next for the #jjadventures